I feel I need to get something off my chest and I would very much appreciate some feedback on this over time:

I have been very unlucky in love – though I suspect this may apply to most people out there. I seem to have a knack for falling in love with people I have no true hope for a future with and to attract people that I don’t even know how I attract in the first place because they are not my ‘target demographic’. On the rare occasion that I do meet someone who appears to be just right for me on paper: I somehow fail to fall in love with them! It’s as though my brain insisted that there be some sort of tragic flaw to all my relationships: a challenge to overcome with an epic love story… or… an escape hatch? At the end of the day I try to make myself feel ok about it, because as far as I know my exes have all ended up in better relationships after we had broken up. I thus at least get to think to myself that some greater good has come of it all, even if that doesn’t always feel like a consolation.

Nowadays when I look at guys I like I can’t help but think: “Would I want him as an ex?” The very thought of risking wasting time dating instead of focusing on myself and making up for all the time I lost worrying about the wrong things has become overwhelmingly exhausting. I rarely set dates anymore and when I do: I usually itch to cancel!

I’m even less lucky with girls, truth be told. With them I do still get to be able to imagine: “It could last forever if only she was into me to begin with!”, but I yet have to get the chance to make myself an ex girlfriend…

So I am now choosing to stay single – despite wishing that my current reality included an established relationship. I am not sure if the following are depressive thoughts or a balanced* ones, but here are my reasons:

My last relationship was with another depressed person. He had severe lack of motivation and I had debilitating insecurities. It was a toxic mix. Still, the drop in the cup that made me agree to the breakup – instead of trying to hatch make up schemes – was the fact that my response to his episodes was more depression of my own. I ached seeing him suffer, unable to help him. It has become clear that breaking up has become, among other things, a health issue for me.

Of course there’s no rule that says I couldn’t date a more fortunate person. However, I do not wish the pain of seeing a loved one suffer onto anybody. So then why would I attract attention to myself and increase someone’s chances of getting to suffer from seeing me suffer? It feels both selfish and plain dumb, since seeing the other person suffer over my own suffering would clearly defeat the purpose of dating someone healthier than me in the first place. I don’t want that feeling of guilt, I no longer want to have to wonder whether they might be better off without me. I rather bite the bullet and try to stay single.

I feel stuck looking forward to a lonely future. I wish I could seek a relationship free of this sense of preemptive guilt one day, but for now my best hope for any joy appears to be focusing on my interests. Feel free to join me in my efforts here on my blog, I’d love an exchange of ideas!

*I think that using the word “balanced” – instead of “normal” or even “healthy” – is the most constructive choice, as it helps clear away distracting connotations and keep the struggle in focus. It may even help some to learn to see the person behind the walls of the illness.